Wednesday, March 22, 2017
My name is Hazel Grace Lancaster, but I like going by Just Hazel. Let me tell you a little bit about my self. I am 16 years old. I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer originally but now I have Thyroid with mets in my lungs. I have a oxygen tank that I carry around with me everywhere to help me breathe. When I go into public though, people can't unsee it. It's like they are just throwing me a pity party all the time and can't look at me like a normal 16 year old girl. I don't have a lot of friends though. I was pulled out of school three years ago. I already have my GED so I can't go back. So now, I'm taking college classes at MCC, our community college. That's why I don't have a lot of friends, because when I got pulled from school, I didn't see my friends and I lost touch. I was just known as the girl who had cancer. I still keep in touch with one of my friends Kaitlyn, but, it's hard to actually have a conversation. She is in such a different state then me, she feels like she has to choose her words around me because she doesn't want to hurt me. We just don't have the same connection as we used to. So all I did was watch ANTM (America's Next Top Model) and read. My all time favorite book is An Imperial Affliction by Peter Van Houten. I feel like he wrote the book just for me, I have such a connection with it that I've probably read it 50 times. I don't really like sharing it though, because it just belongs to me. After I watched TV, read, and the bed became apart of me, my mom decided I was depressed. She was worried that I wasn't getting out of the house much and that I need to make friends. So, she took me to the doctor and he gave me medical pills to help with the depression and offered that my mom should enroll me in a support group. I was totally against it, but my mom thought otherwise. My mom thought I should make friends and socialize with people my age. So after a fight, I went to support group. The first day was awkward and I didn't like it at all, but the second day, I met Augustus Waters. He is the most amazing guy you will ever meet (In my opinion). He fills me with so much happiness and joy that I never knew I could feel. He would do anything for me, and I would do anything for him. He's even taking me to Amsterdam to meet my all time favorite author Peter Van Houten! He is using his one Wish to take me. Since I was a stupid little girl and used mine to go to Disney Land. That is basically all you need to know about me. Just don't view me as some kid with cancer. Treat me like a regular teenager. Don't give me cancer perks, I don't want that. Just give me normality.
I had a trip to the ICU. I woke up with throbbing pains in my head. My mom and dad drove me to the ICU right away. At first I thought I had another tumor in my head, so it freaked me out. When I got to the ICU, I found out that my lungs filled up with water again and was causing short oxygenation. So, because of this, it caused my brain to throb and my shoulder to have pains. After 6 days of nurses waiting on me and multiple checkups, I got back from the ICU.We had a cancer meeting. Same old stuff, still staying on Phalanxifor, blah blah blah. With all this talk, it got me thinking, so I asked if I could ever have a lung transplant. They responded with a no, because it probably wouldn't help anyway. Hearing that response, my dad started sobbing, again. It didn't really bother me though because I understood. So then, I asked about going to Amsterdam, Dr. Maria said it was my life, it was mine and my parents decision. One doctor though, said he didn't think it was a good idea. It was to big of a risk he said. I needed and adult that knows my medical conditions to go. After he was done blabbing his opinions, we went home. My mom and dad made the executive decision that I will no be going to Amsterdam. So I texted Gus saying it wasn't going to work out.Amsterdam was done with.
So, I am very happy. I am going to Amsterdam after all! My mom came into my room after I called her in. I told her to call the Genies, the trip was off, but then she told me I was actually going! I then texted Gus right when I found out. I asked him if he was still free. He texted back, and it was done! We were going to Amsterdam! Now my lungs just got to stay healthy until the end of the trip. I cannot wait to meet Peter Van Houghten, my ALLTIME FAVORITE AUTHOR! I hope meeting him is as perfect as I imagined it would be. I cannot sleep, we are on the plane right now. Gus and mom are asleep. We all took sleeping pills, but mine hasn't kicked in yet.I think it's in my head, I keep worrying.Gus told me he loved me, but I couldn't say it back. I feel like I hurt his feelings, I feel bad, but I just couldn't do it. He laid his head against the plane window after he said it, and just drifted off to sleep. I really do like him though. He just makes me happy. He will do anything to make me feel good about myself. Talking about scrambled eggs, watching movies with me, and having me recite poems for him. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh all the time, like how Gus has never flown before.When we took off, he was scared out of his mind. He started saying, " I've never seen anything like this. There is nothing like this in the history of the world!" When I tired to comfort him, he winced. I don't know what that was about, but something is up with him. He has been acting differently lately, but I don't want to say anything. I want to protect him, like he protects me. He is also always looking out for me. In the airport, people were staring at me when we had to get my oxygen hooked up. So Gus left because it was making him mad. People just can't view us normally. I just don't want to hurt Gus. I don't want to be the grenade that hurts him.